One day in a time forgotten, one man strummed his instrument, and How Monsters Function were formed in a spectacular show of musical prowess. What started out as one man and a hollow wooden box very quickly and majestically mutated into a five man band complete with their individual noise-makers. Then, one night everything changed, when the band of noise creating flesh bags played to their biggest crowd ever, a HUGE packed out crowd of about 125 people at an old residential care home, just up the road from Kwik Save. What nobody knows though is that the crowd was actually digitally projected onto the floor using a high-tech array of 3D augmented reality projectors. Needless to say this didn't stop the band from FUCKING SHIT UP and rockin' out with their cocks out and anybody who says other wise can go fuck themselves.
After the chaos that was the night before, the band headed off into the studio to record their new EP, but the band couldn't begin the recording without their main man El Bay. He was nowhere to be found, but like any fleshy maraca he wasn't far from trouble. We later discovered that the one they call "El Bay" was that day scouring the dirty underbelly that was Wrexham, looking for the devil. El Bay had planned on approaching this sinister being with the hopes of striking a deal, a deal that would secure the bands future.
He found the devil like character on his quest, reeling about in the trash behind the local BlockBuster store. Although he didn't appear how one would expect. Obviously drug addled and broken, the half man, half Mongolian mountain goat looked up dazed and confused at the man stood before him. El Bay asked him for the secret to a successful band and the goat man struck El bay a deal "$500 and your shoes, and I'll tell ya" he wheezed.
Nobody knows if El Bay actually paid the amount in full, but rumour has it that the local law enforcement found a half man, half goat creature later that day, dead with a pack of Crayola protruding from his cranium.
I guess we'll never know what happened that day.
However, we know what happened the next day; the band's local priest, Terry 'Two Fingers', rushed into their studio during recording - after a small punch up between the clergyman and the band member-men, Terry told the band that he had created a portal another world. Terry went into great detail in explaining how he created the portal; "I've created this door", he whispered, "but it doesn't have a handle, it's abstract and circular." The band could see the conviction in the priest's eyes; they believed him, and in doing so they followed Terry to his house, which coincidentally was a church.
A long story cut short, when they reached the church, Terry led them down to the basement, only to find there was no portal - it was a trap - and Terry tried to fuck all five band members simultaneously, but the band weren't having it, so they went back to the studio - probably to write a song about it.
After the chaos that was the night before, the band headed off into the studio to record their new EP, but the band couldn't begin the recording without their main man El Bay. He was nowhere to be found, but like any fleshy maraca he wasn't far from trouble. We later discovered that the one they call "El Bay" was that day scouring the dirty underbelly that was Wrexham, looking for the devil. El Bay had planned on approaching this sinister being with the hopes of striking a deal, a deal that would secure the bands future.
He found the devil like character on his quest, reeling about in the trash behind the local BlockBuster store. Although he didn't appear how one would expect. Obviously drug addled and broken, the half man, half Mongolian mountain goat looked up dazed and confused at the man stood before him. El Bay asked him for the secret to a successful band and the goat man struck El bay a deal "$500 and your shoes, and I'll tell ya" he wheezed.
Nobody knows if El Bay actually paid the amount in full, but rumour has it that the local law enforcement found a half man, half goat creature later that day, dead with a pack of Crayola protruding from his cranium.
I guess we'll never know what happened that day.
However, we know what happened the next day; the band's local priest, Terry 'Two Fingers', rushed into their studio during recording - after a small punch up between the clergyman and the band member-men, Terry told the band that he had created a portal another world. Terry went into great detail in explaining how he created the portal; "I've created this door", he whispered, "but it doesn't have a handle, it's abstract and circular." The band could see the conviction in the priest's eyes; they believed him, and in doing so they followed Terry to his house, which coincidentally was a church.
A long story cut short, when they reached the church, Terry led them down to the basement, only to find there was no portal - it was a trap - and Terry tried to fuck all five band members simultaneously, but the band weren't having it, so they went back to the studio - probably to write a song about it.